so i need to do a little venting...
i got to home groups on tuesday nights and i love it. that home group is one of my favorite places to be. i feel super comfortable there. also, the guy i like is one of the home group pastors. his name is david labahn. over the past few days i've realized how much i like him. today i was just thinking about going to home group and being able to see him and i was getting butterflies in my stomach. when i was on my way, sitting at the light down the street from my house, my heart was racing and once again, i had butterflies. but once i'm in the same room as him, i'm not nervous anymore, im really relaxed. so there are times when i think david likes me. sometimes during home group i'll look up or over at him and he'll be looking at me, then when our eyes meet, he looks away. or i'll be looking at him (yes i am very guilty of that) then he'll look over at me, and i'll look away. last thursday at college group i was getting prayer from sarah sheldon. at first we were just talking and i was telling her what i wanted prayer for. then she prayed for me. after we started talking again and she was just giving me advice and i looked over at david twice and each time i looked at him he was looking over at me. maybe i just want to think that he was, but i don't know.
so what i really need to vent on is this girl michelle francisco. she just started coming to home group last week. i love her to death but she is a huge flirt. so she flirts with david, and yes, i'm jealous. they have known each other for a long time and hang out on a regular basis. i'm jealous that she has the friendship with him that i want. i'm jealous that they have funny stories to tell about times they've hung out, and i don't really have that with him. i feel like if david were to like either of us, it would be her. i guess i just compare myself to her when i think about it. i feel like she's prettier than me and she's definitely skinnier than me. it's just really frustrating when i like someone so much and want them to like me back, but then there is this girl who can capture his attention in a split second. i got really frustrated tonight, obviously i didn't show it, but i was in the middle of telling david a story and all of a sudden michelle started talking to him. he didn't even ask her to wait or apologize to me or anything. i didn't even get to finish telling him my story. i know it probably sounds really stupid but it's frustrating. it's like she means more to him than i do. and i know it's probably true because they've known each other for longer, but before she started coming, if someone interrupted our conversation, he would always apologize or ask the person to wait. now he doesn't. i dunno. i just want him to like me and notice me so badly.
and it's funny because that's what i'm reading about in captivating. that it's natural for a girl to have that longing. but i am degrading myself and my femininity and comparing myself to someone else. i'm telling myself that i will never be good enough for david as long as michelle is around. it's not healthy for me to be doing that, but i can't seem to help it. i just feel like she has so much more to offer than i do.
i guess i just don't know what to do anymore. i know that i just need to give this whole thing up to God, but it's hard. it's one of those situations where i want to be in control even though i know i can't be. i want to be the one who decides whether i will be with david or not. i want to be the one who decides when we go out. i know that i can't be that person, but i just can't seem to fully give it up to God. i want to so badly. i guess i just need to continue praying that i would be satisfied with the relationship david and i have and i need to add to my prayer list to pray that i wouldn't compare myself to michelle or any other girl. michelle might be able to offer somethings that i can't, but i can offer things that she can't as well.
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